It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
