Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Im part way to drunk.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
