There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
