i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
