i love accidental penises.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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