just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You are the jesus of drinking
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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