He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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