Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
