last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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