Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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