This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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