So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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