Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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