I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
