I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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