Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
