Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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