Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
