Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
