fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
