WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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