If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
