I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
