I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
