I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
