you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
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that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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