Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
