Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
