Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
