Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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