My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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