so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
