Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
