At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
