do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
