and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
