i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
