Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
