Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's never too late to be topless.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
