Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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