shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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