I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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