I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
