jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
