speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
me + whiskey = a bad person
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
