Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
