I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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