So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
