Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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