Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
