Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
