Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
