she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
