he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
