I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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