NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
