garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I could make wine with my vomit
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
