So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My penis needs a shock collar
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Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions