Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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